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what do you do with epileptic lettuce?
You make a seizure salad!
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What kind of flower is on your face?
Tulips!
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Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."
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What do clouds wear under their shorts?
THUNDERPANTS
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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
IT WAS IN TENTS
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What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?
Reefer!
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What did the Island Gobbling Sea Monster say?
These islands aren’t Philippine me up. I need Samoa Tahiti!
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What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?
A bah-humbug.
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?
Russell.
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What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don't look, I'm changing.
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Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?
It's making HEADLINES!
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A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.
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What did the policeman say to his tummy?
I've got you under a vest!
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What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
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What kind of horses go out after dusk?
Nightmares!
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
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What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
A FRISBEE!
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Did you hear about the Hyena who drank a pint of gravy?
He was a laughing stock!
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Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
THE OUTSIDE!
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what did one hat say to another?
You stay here, I'll go on a head!
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Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish.
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A man didn't like his haircut, but it started to grow on him.
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What game would you play with a wombat?
Wom.
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What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
BANANANAAAAAA!
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What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids
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What do you do when you see a spaceman?
PARK YOUR CAR, MAN
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Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
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What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A PRIVATE TUTOR!
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What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?
BYE-SON!
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What do you do with a sick boat?
TAKE IT TO THE DOC!
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How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
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Why is there no gambling in Africa?
Too many Cheetahs!
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Why did the police officer smell?
Because he was on duty.
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Where does George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies
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Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?
He wanted a meatier shower!
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What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine!
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What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
OH SNAP
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Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?
His mummy.
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What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?
I can clearly see you're nuts!
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What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
You're too young to smoke!
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Why is the ocean blue?
Because all the little fish go blu, blu blu.
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What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fssshh
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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!
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A drum and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
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What does a ghost wear when it's raining outside?
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooots!
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What do you call a deer with no eye?
NO IDEAR!
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What washes up on tiny beaches?
MICROWAVES!
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What was T-Rex's favorite number?
Ate!
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Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggy!
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How does Hitler tie his shoes?
with little Nazis!
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Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
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Why are all the frogs around here dead?
'Cause they keep croaking!
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Why don't blind people go skydiving?
Because it scares the bejesus out of the dogs!
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
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What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies!
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Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.
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What do sharks say when something radical happens?
JAWESOME
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A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother.
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What kind of guns do bees use?
BeeBee guns
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Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"
"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.
To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"
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What do you call a nosy pepper?
JALAPENO BUSINESS!
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What is the definition of a good farmer?
A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!
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What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!
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What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?
HIP-POP!
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Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long!
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What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks?
DINO-MITE!
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What did one shark say to the other while eating a clownfish?
This tastes funny.
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Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!
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What happens to Pastors who eat chili dogs?
They have to sit in their own pew.
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What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his butt.
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Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?
He had no body to go with him!
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What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
HE GOT A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK
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What do calendars eat?
DATES!
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What's the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle.
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Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?
He wanted some arr and arr.
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How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
ECLIPSE IT!
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?
Claude
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A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."
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Why do milking stools only have three legs?
'Cause the cow's got the udder!
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Why didn't the melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe!
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What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?
Its butt
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What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?
Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A PORK CHOP
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What type of music do mummies listen to?
WRAP MUSIC!
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What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts
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How does an octopus go to war?
WELL-ARMED
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What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?
Thanks for the mammaries!
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Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?
Because she ran away from the ball!
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A baby seal walks into a club...
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
PUMPKIN PI
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There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says
‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob
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What's it called when you lend money to a bison?
A BUFFA-LOAN!
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What did the ghost say to the bee?
BOO-BEE
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What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
WATAAAAARR!
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What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!
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What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?
You look a little pail!
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How does a lion like his meat?
ROAR
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What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the revolving door?
It won't be long now
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Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
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Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed!
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What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
Dam.
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How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue!
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what do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!
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What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
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How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer!
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What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?
Shoe!
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Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crummy.
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Why did Simba's father die?
Because he couldn't Mufasa!
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Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!
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What do you call a pony's cough?
A LITTLE HOARSE!
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All artwork and content on this site is Copyright © 2020 Matthew Inman. Please don't steal.
