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Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."
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Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
THE OUTSIDE!
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A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother.
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what do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!
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what did one hat say to another?
You stay here, I'll go on a head!
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A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.
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What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?
Reefer!
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What did the policeman say to his tummy?
I've got you under a vest!
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Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!
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How does an octopus go to war?
WELL-ARMED
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto
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What do you call a deer with no eye?
NO IDEAR!
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Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"
"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.
To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"
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What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids
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Why are all the frogs around here dead?
'Cause they keep croaking!
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Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!
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Why did the police officer smell?
Because he was on duty.
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What does a ghost wear when it's raining outside?
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooots!
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How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue!
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How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
ECLIPSE IT!
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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!
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Where does George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies
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What was T-Rex's favorite number?
Ate!
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A baby seal walks into a club...
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A PORK CHOP
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Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crummy.
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What type of music do mummies listen to?
WRAP MUSIC!
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Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
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Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?
He had no body to go with him!
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
PUMPKIN PI
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What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
BANANANAAAAAA!
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?
Claude
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How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
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What kind of flower is on your face?
Tulips!
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Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?
He wanted a meatier shower!
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What happens to Pastors who eat chili dogs?
They have to sit in their own pew.
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What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts
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What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!
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What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?
BYE-SON!
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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
IT WAS IN TENTS
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There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says
‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’
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What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?
Its butt
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What washes up on tiny beaches?
MICROWAVES!
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What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
WATAAAAARR!
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Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
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What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?
Shoe!
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What's the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle.
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What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the revolving door?
It won't be long now
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What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
Dam.
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What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A PRIVATE TUTOR!
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What do clouds wear under their shorts?
THUNDERPANTS
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What game would you play with a wombat?
Wom.
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What kind of guns do bees use?
BeeBee guns
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What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fssshh
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Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long!
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A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."
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What do you call a pony's cough?
A LITTLE HOARSE!
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What kind of horses go out after dusk?
Nightmares!
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What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
HE GOT A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK
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Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.
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What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don't look, I'm changing.
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What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his butt.
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Why is the ocean blue?
Because all the little fish go blu, blu blu.
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What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks?
DINO-MITE!
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What did the ghost say to the bee?
BOO-BEE
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What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?
HIP-POP!
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What did one shark say to the other while eating a clownfish?
This tastes funny.
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What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?
I can clearly see you're nuts!
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What did the Island Gobbling Sea Monster say?
These islands aren’t Philippine me up. I need Samoa Tahiti!
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What's it called when you lend money to a bison?
A BUFFA-LOAN!
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Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed!
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Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish.
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How does a lion like his meat?
ROAR
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How does Hitler tie his shoes?
with little Nazis!
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Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?
It's making HEADLINES!
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what do you do with epileptic lettuce?
You make a seizure salad!
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Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?
He wanted some arr and arr.
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A man didn't like his haircut, but it started to grow on him.
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A drum and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
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Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggy!
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What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
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What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies!
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Did you hear about the Hyena who drank a pint of gravy?
He was a laughing stock!
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What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
A FRISBEE!
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What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?
Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)
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Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?
His mummy.
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What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?
Thanks for the mammaries!
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?
Russell.
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Why do milking stools only have three legs?
'Cause the cow's got the udder!
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What do you do with a sick boat?
TAKE IT TO THE DOC!
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Why did Simba's father die?
Because he couldn't Mufasa!
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How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer!
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
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What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?
You look a little pail!
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
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Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob
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What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine!
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Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?
Because she ran away from the ball!
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What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
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What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
You're too young to smoke!
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What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?
A bah-humbug.
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Why didn't the melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe!
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Why don't blind people go skydiving?
Because it scares the bejesus out of the dogs!
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What do you call a nosy pepper?
JALAPENO BUSINESS!
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What do you do when you see a spaceman?
PARK YOUR CAR, MAN
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Why is there no gambling in Africa?
Too many Cheetahs!
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What do calendars eat?
DATES!
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What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
OH SNAP
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What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!
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What do sharks say when something radical happens?
JAWESOME
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What is the definition of a good farmer?
A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!
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All artwork and content on this site is Copyright © 2020 Matthew Inman. Please don't steal.
